Hateful Animals

although there are some people
who see beauty in all of God's creatures
there are some animals which
I really hate
this is probably
not rational
and yet
there are some creatures
that are so inherently vile
or which so egregiously violate
my deepest sense of aesthetics
that they can only be termed
Hateful
for example
the scorpion
would have to be
at the very top of
the list of
Hateful Animals
scorpions
perhaps because they come equipped with
a vicious toxic stinger
practically exude
an outstandingly bad attitude
and
although they obviously lack
the required facial apparatus
scorpions always seem
to me at least
to be sneering
with a kind of arrogant contempt
even the eating habits of scorpions
violate all precepts of
decorum
the first step in the dining ritual of
scorpions
is to use their evil poison-filled tails
to sting their prey into submission
once the victim is properly immobilized with
copious amounts of paralytic toxins
the scorpion then
saunters over to its hapless prey and
immediately proceeds to
vomit corrosive drool
all over it
this acidic spooge
dissolves all the softer parts of the victim
and
after the scorpion barf has liquefied all
the relevant elements
the scorpion
then sucks the entire disgusting mixture
back up into itself
the more resistant parts
such as shells and carapaces and so forth
are gathered into a ball which
the scorpion
obviously not up on its Emily Post
then flicks insouciantly away
I have seen these
puke-resistant scorpion balls and
believe me
they are none too attractive
if disgusting eating habits
were all that set
scorpions
apart from
their more refined brethren
they would still be
intolerable
but they are made even more
obnoxious
by the fact that
scorpions
seem to be among the few animals
that will go out of their way
to attack
with little or no provocation
I once knew a doctor
who lived along the west coast of Mexico
and most of his time
was spent treating the victims
of scorpion stings
few of these victims
had molested the scorpions which had attacked them
in any way
yet
the vicious creatures had deliberately stung them
apparently out of
a kind of motiveless malignancy
or perhaps
for the sheer poison joy of it
many of these victims
were small children
who had been attacked while lying in
their cribs
and a considerable number of them
died as a result
a fact which
does absolutely nothing
to further endear to me
these Hateful Animals
it's almost as if
scorpions
were designed as a kind of
vicious practical joke
for example
many people
in an attempt to crush the vile creatures
underneath their feet
have been surprised when
at the moment of the scorpion's demise
the aforementioned stinger
whipped up over the top of
the person's footwear
and
in one final vicious gesture
stung him on the top of the foot
this
has always seemed to me
to be nature's equivalent of
an exploding cigar
in the deserts of central Mexico
one can find
the much-feared giant black scorpion
which is said
to reach such epic proportions
that if you were to step on it
it is conceivable that the stinger
would nail you right in the knee
and
the amount of poison that it would
subsequently inject
would be so profuse
that you would actually be dead
before you hit the ground
although such stories are no doubt
apocryphal
I have seen specimens of these creatures
and I
for one
would not want to try dispatching them
without some kind of
powerful projectile weapon
or
at the very least
a relatively large shovel
scorpions
are classified as
arachnids
making their closest relatives
spiders
which oddly enough
do not fill me with the same sense of
revulsion
that scorpions do
perhaps because
spiders
as alien as they might be
and in spite of their predilection for
cannibalism
seem to mind their own business
most of the time
and are therefore
much less obnoxious in their attitude
scorpions
are also distant cousins of
the lobster
now
in spite of their
somewhat vicious-looking claws
lobsters themselves
would seem to be
fairly innocuous
but
because of their close family ties to
the scorpion
I feel very little guilt
about eating them
praying mantises
while not disgusting in and of themselves
have some habits related to reproduction
which are
at best
distasteful
it seems that
at the moment of sexual union
the female mantis
perhaps unsatisfied with the level of
performance of her mate
will often reach around behind her
and rip off the head of the hapless male
this has the effect of causing the decapitated body
to go into a sort of
copulatory overdrive
and the headless male
will finish the act in a kind of frenzy
that
the female appears to find
quite satisfying
considering some of the
human females
that I have known
I can only give thanks
that nature saw fit not to impose
that particular coital ritual
upon my species
another example of
a Hateful Animal
is the shark
a brief anecdote may serve
as the best illustration of why
sharks
have to considered
Hateful Animals:
a young couple
celebrating their honeymoon in Australia
somehow decided that
scuba-diving
would be an enjoyable way to spend
the afternoon
however
in doing so
they had the grave misfortune
of crossing paths with
one of the Great White Sharks
for which Australia is known
the male party
indicated to his bride
that she should beat a hasty retreat
back to the boat
while he
in the great tradition of males everywhere
would assume responsibility
for dealing with the immediate threat
of a terrifying creature intent on
devouring them
as it turns out
the female party in question
made it back to the relative safety of the vessel
but
there was no further sign
of her mate
then
several hours later
some nearby fishermen
managed to hook a
Great White Shark
the shark in question
was gargantuan
even by the standards of
Australia's shark population
it was in fact
almost the size of the fishermen's boat
which
as one might imagine
caused the men a great deal of trouble
in dealing with it
after a protracted period of struggle
in which neither side seemed to gain
the upper hand
the shark
managed to wreck
all their tackle and equipment
and after extricating itself from their lines
escaped back into the sea
but not before
vomiting onto the deck
the torso
of the young husband
I once had the opportunity
to speak to an Australian fisherman
this man
because he spends so much time on the water
has had more opportunities than most
to see the Great Whites in action
according to this man
more people are eaten each year
than the government ever admits
he is convinced
that so many people have disappeared
that the government
has been forced to initiate a massive cover-up
in order to forestall
a widespread panic
for this reason
the man has made it his goal
to catch as many of the sharks as is humanly possible
and his actions
have provoked outrage
among those who feel that
sharks
have a right to exist
and eat young newlyweds
without human intervention
defenders of the shark
like to point out that
far from being the malevolent geniuses
that they are sometimes portrayed to be in
films and novels
sharks
are actually quite dim
and most attacks on humans
can be attributed to a simple case of
mistaken identity
it seems that
sharks
are most inclined to eat
members of the pinniped family
such as seals and sea lions
so
when they see something near the surface
which seems to be
even vaguely pinnipedal
the shark will rise and
bite it
just on general principles
if it turns out to be
something inedible
the shark
will merely shrug
(metaphorically speaking)
and continue on its way
in search of other things to bite
and
as a result
owners of small boats
have often dug remnants of
shark teeth
out of the wooden hulls of their craft
after sharks
on the off-chance that the vessel
might be digestible
had bitten it
surfers
are particularly vulnerable
to this aquatic faux pas
because
floating on the surface
with their limbs dangling over the sides of their boards
they look surprisingly similar
to a pinniped
at least from below
and at least to a shark
so
when a shark attacks a surfer
it is doing so
not with any malevolent intent
but simply because
it has poor vision
questionable judgment
and is stupid
and
most of the time
after realizing its mistake
a shark will not continue its attack
this of course
is of little comfort
to someone who has been
bitten in half
or to young brides
but is often used to convince people
that sharks
aren't such bad fellows after all
in fact
I was once approached by a young man
bearing propaganda which
basically stated that
sharks
because of people like
the fisherman I met
are in danger of extinction
and
unless we take action now
will disappear from the planet
my immediate reaction was
then for God's sake, let's not do anything
but
after more careful consideration
of the effect this might have
on the local ecosystems
and in light of man's self-assumed responsibility
to be the caretaker of all living things
I concluded
that if by my inaction
I no longer had to worry
about some primordial killing machine
rising from the deep to take a huge chunk
out of my butt
then that was something
that I could live with
I read somewhere
that sharks
due to their physical construction
cannot get cancer
this is because
sharks
are basically one huge conglomeration of cartilage
which does not lend itself to
the growth of cancerous cells
this
irritates me a great deal
because
I have had the unpleasant experience
of having to watch someone I love
being slowly devoured by this
awful wasting disease
and
when I consider that
sharks
are blissfully free of the affliction
I have to wonder
what God was thinking
in fact
that may be the whole point of
Hateful Animals
because
those people
who feel that life is quite
a serious business
would do well to take a look
at some of the creatures I have mentioned
for me
they are all
a clear indication that
God
has a wicked sense of humor
and might help to explain
why the joke
is so often on us
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